Seriously, what the hell. I don’t even know where to begin with this movie. How about the high-hopes I had for it? I mean, Marion Ravenwood and The Dude, together. Life (supposedly) cannot get much better than that, right? WRONG. So freaking wrong I can’t even begin. Not even the glory of the 34 year old wrangler wearing Jeff Bridges is able to keep this movie from being the massive amount of suck that it is.
A brief synopsis: Karen Allen’s husband is dead; she’s drunk and watching videos of the aforementioned dead husband (played adorably by the aforementioned 34 yr old Jeff Bridges). She’s also wearing underwear and what I assume is the aforementioned dead husband’s flannel shirt.
Meanwhile, in the atmosphere: the Starman’s spaceship has been fired upon and disabled by the friendly US Military, forcing him to crash just outside of Karen Allen’s house where she has passed out dead drunk after downing what I further assume was her seventh bottle of prison hooch (why a bottle? Because she’s a classy lady, yo.).
Eventually the Starman gets into the house and begins rooting through her belongings, during the course of which he locates a lock of the aforementioned dead husband’s hair (because that’s not creepy). Sampling the DNA held within he begins to morph into a very naked and very cute 34 year old Jeff Bridges (see: TRON). One would think this would please me. Nope, sorry- this movie is so bad that not even a barely clothed Jeff Bridges in his prime can save it. And gentlemen, don’t even think Karen Allen in her skivvies will help your cause as she seems to be acting under the very prescient influence of one Lindsey Lohan (a rather impressive feat considering li’l Lohan was not even a money-encrusted twinkle in her mother’s eye in 1984).
So, now that Jeff Bridges is nakers and Karen Allen is freaking out, somehow he convinces her that he must reach Winslow, AZ in three(3) days...OR DIE!!!1!11one!! Aaaannd, that’s about where I stopped watching. A quick jaunt over to imdb.com told me that somehow along their journey of approx. 1,806 miles (1.2 days), the Starman saves Karen Allen from the baddies, they fall in love and he even manages to get her knocked up; so that sounds cool in a not at all cool sort of way.
Let’s see what a reviewer on imdb had to say:
“The achingly gorgeous Karen Allen and the sublime Jeff Bridges star in this story of love and innocence. A magical movie, with a poignant, otherworldly score sees John Carpenter direct a movie outside his usual genre. Well, all the planets came into alignment for this one, as it is a heart warming emotionally involving ride from start to finish.
This would be one of my 10 "Desert Island" movies.
-andrew.harrison"
You know what, andrew.harrison? Fuck you, that movie was bloody awful.
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