Cellphone Possessional

On the eve of 2007, with Christmas slightly behind us, millions of people worldwide are toying with trinkets and doo-dads purchased for them with love to enjoy over the holidays. Among these trinkets are such fine dandies as iPods, dvd's, stereos, televisions, and of course (these being modern ages and all) cell phones. Over the next few days and weeks these toys with be tinkered and mussed with until reaching the utmost user perfection possible. Thus, it is during this time that I, being for the most part cellphoneless, begin to discover the annoying attributes of cellphones and how they indeed speak volumes about their users.

Firstly, let us discuss the ringtone, that popular little device which allows one to display in tinny, discordant, and often too loud tones the hottest clear channel favorites, and polyphonic oldies. Normally, I am not opposed to the personalized ringtone as it allows one to escape from the presets (which themselves say an awful lot about the possessor of the phone).

For example, the standard Cingular ring. This tells one that the user is not hung up on the superficial and material that often go along with cellphone obsessionals. By using the standard ring one is saying, "Yes! You may call me whenever you like, and, if I can be bothered to learn how to use this damn thing, I might even pick up."

(note: the user of the standard ring tone most likely has a surplus of unheard voice-mails and unread SMS's)

Then there are those who resort to the secondary standard ringtones; the sambas, crescendos, cats meowing and children laughing which both amuse and terrify many a listener.

-The Samba, says efficiantly, "Yes, I like to be happy, yet I shan't be bothered to purchase a happy tune".
-The Crescendos, shrill and astute, announce the presence of the user and shout, "Look at me!"
-The Cats and Children, however, define a far different creature. Reserved for the Hollister girls, Soccer Moms and
Grandmothers crocheting away, the Cats and Children terrify those of a sane countenance nationwide. They say
simply, "Oh my GOD did you see her shoes?"

And then, we have the purchased ringtones, used merely to show off ones knowledge of the newest "artiste" (see usage of Kanye, Akon, or Green Day) or of the golden oldies (much preferable to the former).

What really tells one much of the user is their method of tone assignation and, indeed, usage. For example, some people set their phone at a conversationally appropriate level so that when it jingles, it does disrupt the flow of speech, but does let itself be known. This is what we refer to as the "appropriate level". Below this is the person who has their phone continually on vibrate or silent. This is what we call the "denial level", as one is obviously denying usage of the cellular technology they have at their fingertips. We may also refer to this as the "freedom level" as this person is free from the reins of the cell phone. Lastly we have the person who insists on having his volume pushed to the extreme as this person is (or believes himelf to be) very, very important. Thus, his phone and the messages it bears must be able to reach him at all times and, if necessary, tell all others of its import. Those who employ this "significant level" often chose to use ringtones as SMS announcers thus allowing what is normally a small "beep" to be transformed to a blatant announcement of ones own sense of self-importance. The art of taciturnity is foreign to the user of the "significant level".

That being said, I am pleased to announce my continuing absence of a cell phone, thus removing me from the hordes trinket tinkerers and cellphone possessional obsessionals.