Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jedi PostMaster

For those of you who are unawares, this year marks the 30th Anniversary of a film that took the world by storm. Star Wars, that mighty behemoth of science ficton perfection, celebrates its birthday. As such, the United States Postal Service has seen fit to ceremonialize this mighty milestone. They have scattered about the nation, in 200 cities, a tribute which will, I am sure, ignite the joys and loves of Star Wars and Post loving souls alike. Look carefully readers, for if you do, you too will see one of the 400 R2D2 mailboxes gracing corners and post offices throughout this free-loving land of ours, ever ready to receive your messages and deliver them with a care equal to that exacted upon delivering Leia's message to Obi Wan.



For those of you who choose to undertake the Quest For R2D2, here is a handy-dandy map I located on the mighty Interweb for your aid. That having been said, fare thee well Star Tourists! Go out in search of R2D2! Find him, and give him a hug to show your love and solidarity with the Rebel Alliance!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Braaaaaiiiinnnnssssss....

As I was (edit: AM) a huge fan of Danny Boyles 2002 Zombie venture, 28 Days Later, I was noticeably excited when heresay of a sequel began to rumble about a year or so ago. Well, the first trailer is up, and while it looks like the same old same old Zombie fare, I must say, I'll pay by $8.00 for this one. Maybe its merely the Zombies, maybe its the cast inclusion of Robert Carlyle and what sounds like the dulcet tones of Kelly McDonald in a VO, or maybe it's simply the beautiful use of the bombastic MUSE in the bombastic trailer. Who really knows. For those of you who are lazy, here's the trailer spot for 28 Weeks Later (oh how I love YouTube):

OkieQuest 2K7: Day One

OkieQuest 2K7: Day One
The Crusade For The Plains


8:22- We leave the house.
8:45- Stuck under the 55/5 Interchange.
8:51- See upside down car and possible death.
8:52- Finally going more than .05mph.

Our California Escape Route: 55 north-> 91 east-> 15 east-> 40 east.

9:06- Enter Riverside County. Abandon all hope.
9:21- Frau nails her funny bone on a box of Kleenex and is temporarily incapacitated.
9:35- Britta's ears pop; we enter the dreaded Cajon Pass (sadly, we are girl and have no Cajones).

9:45- PEEING. Postcard purchase #1. Gas up: $32.41
9:50- Roll out schon wieder!
9:55- Elevation 4000ft.
9:59- Elevation 4190ft.
10:24- Talk about boys. Discuss their dumbness.
10:31- Reach genesis of I-40. Officially on our way through the vast empitness of the Southwest.

10:35- Hearse.

10:37- Car Rave! Essential to desert travel.
11:02- Star Wars Disco. The desert is hot. Nothing but dirt and rocks surround us.

11:32- Still hot. Still nothing but dirt and rocks.
11:53- Talk about boys, again.
12:04- Big Eff-Off hill to the Colorado River Valley. Frau's ears pop.
12:08- We beak out the (Cheese) Nips!
12:14- Needles, CA. Britta shares a deep dark family story. We are afraid. Radio plays Bittersweet Symphony. Hurrah! Richard Ashcroft!

12:29- ARIZONA!!!



12:41- PEEING
12:58- Souixsie & The Banshees Sing-a-Long
13:30- Subway Samwiches in Kingman. Britta gets an extra cookie for FREE because she is the awesome. Frau forgets the word for "M&M" and gets an Oatmeal Raisin cookie instead.
-Pass the last In 'n' Out. We have truly left civilization for the time being until the first Sonic is sighted.
-Frau impaled by the passenger seat.

13:49- Subway had said they were out of White Chocolate Chip cookies. We realize Britta's free cookie is indeed White Chocolate Chip. Ego Boost= 10 pts.

13:56- 4000ft!
14:03- 5000ft!
14:55- Call Graham and ask which city, exactly, was built on rock 'n' roll. He decrees said metropolis is indeed Seattle.

15:35- 6000ft!
15:39- Slow Okie drivers anger us.
16:15- Scary Arizona power plant. Somewhere, Wolverine is pondering his own existence in an existential manner. Verily.

16:35- Gas, PEEING.
16:40- Roadside Dinosaurs. AWESOME!!!


16:41- We believe we have 3hrs. left until Albuquerque.
16:57- Frau "Coog'd" herself. (see: Tristram Shandy, a Cock and Bull Story)
16:58- Ash (!!) on a random CD
17:18- Horse on the roadside taking a poo.
17:28- Flaming Lips play on CD. Frau dances and claps her hands happily. Red Cliffs appear.
17:37- NEW MEXICO!!!


17:38- Train blows his whistle at us in a jovial greeting. New Mexico= Friendliest State EVAR!!!
17:42- 19:03- Talk about boys.
19:03- Road makes our bums tickle.
19:05- Almost die.
20:07- Arrive in Albuquerque.
20:21- Walk to Target. Car is overrated as of right now.
20:33- Photograph storefronts.


21:01- Return to Quality Inn & Suites to dine on Lean Cuisine.
22:33- Britta realizes she may have contracted fleas from Aubrey's cats. Pussies.
22:55- Typing.
21:00- Sleeping as if dead.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This... Is...SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!

Perhaps it is because I do not find overly adorned, lean, glimmering Tranny men to be intimidating. Perhaps it is because overly CG'd movies leave me thinking, "...and?" Maybe it's because I am a girl and thus cannot possibly "get" war movies. Perhaps it's because I have yet to read Miller/Snyder's 300, thus rounding out my knowledge of all things Graphic Novel God-like-ish that is the offspring of Frank Miller.

Now let me discount a few things. I am wary of war movies after the viewing fiasco that was Gladiator. Yeah, awesome movie, blood, guts and gore abound. But what else? I am a girl, it's true, but I am also a highly critical and well versed girl who prides herself on having seen a wide multitude of films ranging from the sugary sweet cookie cutter RomComs, to the gritty Asian imports from where our current torture-porn fetish stems (The Audition, anyone?). Therefore, as a girl, I feel I actually do "get" war movies. They may not be my favorite genre as I tend towards dark humor, philosophical pieces, 80's B-movies and zombies, but I feel I have a good "judge-o-meter" if you will.

Thus, I have to say, 300 left something to be desired. It was most definitely a lot of flash and bang for my buck (or seven bucks, if we must be efficient), and it fulfilled my girlish desires to see hundreds of washboard abs running my way in tight little hot-pants continuing the wonderful sight with phallic spear thrusts. As for content, however, I felt as if the style superceded this most basic of plot motivating needs. Before you get all snippity, I realize the plot is very basic. Here it is, for those of you in the back (SPOILER ALERT. Why? Cuz I'm a jerk.):

Act I
Xerxes is a jerk. He wants Sparta because it's full of hot men and scantily clad women plucked from the premium crop of the gene pool. King Leonidus wants to fight him. He asks creepy Hills Have Eyes/Lepers from a Mel Gibson Nightmare Priests. Gratuitous soft core scene involving a pale oracle. They say no. He leaves. That dude from Mona Lisa Smile shows us he's evil. Enter dramatic irony.

Act II
Leonidus goes "walking" with 300 of the best soldiers. The Mona Lisa Dude is angry. Rawr. They meet the Acadians, who suck at war, but are good cannon fodder, to use an anachronistic phrase. Queen Gorgo is sad. She doesn't show it. Soldiers are angry when they see a body tree. They head to the Hot Gates. Enter prideful boasts on either side. Didn't these people ever read Oedipus? Agamemnon? Medea? Here's a hint: Hubris? BAD IDEA PAL. Little spat, enter King Xerxes, the kind of guy every Judith Butler reading transvestite in Manhattan aspires to be. Hubris, hubris, hubris, hubris... fight fight fight, death death death. Gorgo gets raped.

Act III
At this point is anyone really even paying attention anymore? It's one mute colored scene after another, and my eyes can only handle so much brown, gold, bronze, and scarlet before I begin to think I need to see an optometrist. Gorgo goes to the Senate and begs for troops to help. Cut back to battle and we have a highly predictable death (seriously, the youngest guy on the squad? Was that supposed to be a surprise? Maybe y'all shouldnt focus on him too much throughout the whole damn move. AND WHAT THE HELL was with the whole Gimli/Legolas report between those guys?) that incenses the men to keep fighting, but this time to take it seriously. Back at the Spartan Ranch, Whats-His-Nuts announces Gorgo is an adultress. She gets pissed and FINALLY we see what the Spartan women are so famous for. She runs him through with a thrust that would make Blackbeard squeal like an excited 13 yr old who just saw Justin Timberlake waving in the TRL window. Coins fly out of his bedsheet outfit covered in Xerxes' face. The traitorous fiend.

Meanwhile, back in the beach, the Spartans attempt one last unleashing of hell (wait... that was Gladiator...not 300. Silly me). They die an honorable death. Ho-hum.

The End.

So now that I've torn the movie apart, let me say a few more things.
1. It's not a bad movie. Not at all. It's simply that one spends the entire 117min. thinking to themself, "haven't I seen this before?"
2. I still have yet to read the graphic novel, and as is usually the case, my opinion will change upon reading it. From what I understand it was mostly taken word for word from Miller's original book and scenes.
3. I didn't care about any of the characters, or know their names, which is a major downside. If you don't care about the characters, how can you care about the plot? The Events? The Outcome?
3. Gerard Butler has definetly created a nice niche for himself in Hollywood: He goes from one homicidal cape wearing maniac in a mask to playing a homicidal cape wearing maniac in a helmet.
4. Those men had more MAC make-up on their stomachs than a Tyra Banks photo shoot.
5. This is my opinion, allow me to have it. I'll glady listen to yours.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Top Ten List (#1)

As we were discussing the awesomely Broadway-tastic GAP commercial starring Claire Danes and Patrick Wilson, the following exchange occurred:

Me (7:51:42 PM): CURLY!!!
Me (7:51:46 PM): on broadway!!!
Frau (7:52:11 PM): oh the curly
Frau (7:53:10 PM): would you say he's the best musical romantic hero?

Which got us thinking. Who are the Top Ten Musical Romantic Heroes? Being the absolute nerd I am, I perused the annals of musical theatre and composed the following list. A few requirements:

-Romance must be involved, whether it's a happy ending or not.
-Exceptionally selfish reasons get you kicked off the list (ie. Sir Percy Blakeney)
-The musical must have been performed on Broadway (my regrets to Newsies,
State Fair and Daddy Long Legs).
- The actions of the Romantic Male Lead must fulfill the "awwwww" factor.

The Top Ten Musical Romantic Heroes

1. Curly- Oklahoma
2. Seymour- Little Shop Of Horrors
3. Tommy- Brigadoon
4. Sky Masterson- Guys 'n' Dolls
5. Arthur, Lancelot- Camelot
6. Caracatus Potts- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
7. Petruchio- Kiss Me, Kate!
8. Oscar Lindquist- Sweet Charity
9. Sir Harry- Once Upon A Mattress
10. J. Bowden Hapgood- Anyone Can Whistle

any thoughts? nominees?

Monday, March 05, 2007

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

I understand the topic surrounding this picture is serious and somber, and the mistreatment of anyone who has been hospitalized is a heinous act, but seriously, when your defendant looks like a Bond Villian from Thunderball...or Danger Mouse, I simply cannot take you seriously.





HE'S TERRIFIC,
HE'S MAGNIFIC,
HE'S THE GREATEST SECRET AGENT IN THE WORLD. DANGERMOUSE, POWER HOUSE.