"Reviews of Movies You've Already Seen"

No. 1: Shoot 'Em Up

By: Everyman

“Holy fuckin’ fuck, dude. Did you see that shit? First, that guy’s just sittin’, hangin’ out. No big deal right? Then this hot ass pregnant chick comes runnin’ down the street and DUDE, I’m tellin’ you, for a knocked-up chick, she was fuckin’ HAWT. Like that bitch from Gay’s Anatomy but, like, totally hotter. And then bad-ass Owen, man he just sits there till some skinny-ass fuck comes runnin’ after the knocked up chick. Game over, man. That dude is fuckin’ ended.

So that Owen dude, man, he just strolls right in after the skinny-fuck, and shoves a god-damned carrot into his fuckin’ eye. Shit! The he takes the gun from the pregnant bitch as all these Black Ops fucks start shooting up the place. Next thing you know Owen and the chick are running like crazy, shooting everything in sight, and she fuckin’ pops the kid out all before getting shot in the head. So Owen, he, like, takes the kid. What the fuck!? Leave that shit and run, dude! But no, takes the kid and fuckin’ jets. So that fat guy from Sideways (shuddup man, my girlfriend made me watch it. Fuck wine!) gets all pissed off and starts chasing down Clive Owen. Now, seriously? Owen is a scary fucker, all carrots and accent and fucking guns out the ASS. Why the fuck anyone would chase him, fucked if I know. BUT GET THIS. Owen goes to a whore house and starts hangin’ out with that chick from the Matrix movies. No, asshat, not Trinity. Skinny ass dyke. The chick from the second one, with the tits. Yeah, Monica Bellwhatshername. Fuckin’ HAWT, dude. Owen’s all, ‘Take the kid,’ but her fine ass won’t, so then the fat fuck comes in and starts shootin’ up the place and burning her with the barrel of his gun. DUDE, so freakin’ close to a crotch shot. Fuck yeah!

Oh man, and the cars! Fuckin’ Owen keeps stealing cars, yeah? Nothing but BMWs. Nice as hell and he destroys the FUCK outta them.

But yeah, shit goes down and they end up fucking DURING a shoot-out. Like, Big Titties is all, 'Yes! yes!' while homeboy is all, 'No you don't, fuckers!' shooting up the joint and makin' her scream. Dude is a fucking MAN's man. And I SWEAR I saw nipple, dude. Swear to effin' GAWD. Dude, fuckin' awesome movie."