This... Is...SPAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!

Perhaps it is because I do not find overly adorned, lean, glimmering Tranny men to be intimidating. Perhaps it is because overly CG'd movies leave me thinking, "...and?" Maybe it's because I am a girl and thus cannot possibly "get" war movies. Perhaps it's because I have yet to read Miller/Snyder's 300, thus rounding out my knowledge of all things Graphic Novel God-like-ish that is the offspring of Frank Miller.

Now let me discount a few things. I am wary of war movies after the viewing fiasco that was Gladiator. Yeah, awesome movie, blood, guts and gore abound. But what else? I am a girl, it's true, but I am also a highly critical and well versed girl who prides herself on having seen a wide multitude of films ranging from the sugary sweet cookie cutter RomComs, to the gritty Asian imports from where our current torture-porn fetish stems (The Audition, anyone?). Therefore, as a girl, I feel I actually do "get" war movies. They may not be my favorite genre as I tend towards dark humor, philosophical pieces, 80's B-movies and zombies, but I feel I have a good "judge-o-meter" if you will.

Thus, I have to say, 300 left something to be desired. It was most definitely a lot of flash and bang for my buck (or seven bucks, if we must be efficient), and it fulfilled my girlish desires to see hundreds of washboard abs running my way in tight little hot-pants continuing the wonderful sight with phallic spear thrusts. As for content, however, I felt as if the style superceded this most basic of plot motivating needs. Before you get all snippity, I realize the plot is very basic. Here it is, for those of you in the back (SPOILER ALERT. Why? Cuz I'm a jerk.):

Act I
Xerxes is a jerk. He wants Sparta because it's full of hot men and scantily clad women plucked from the premium crop of the gene pool. King Leonidus wants to fight him. He asks creepy Hills Have Eyes/Lepers from a Mel Gibson Nightmare Priests. Gratuitous soft core scene involving a pale oracle. They say no. He leaves. That dude from Mona Lisa Smile shows us he's evil. Enter dramatic irony.

Act II
Leonidus goes "walking" with 300 of the best soldiers. The Mona Lisa Dude is angry. Rawr. They meet the Acadians, who suck at war, but are good cannon fodder, to use an anachronistic phrase. Queen Gorgo is sad. She doesn't show it. Soldiers are angry when they see a body tree. They head to the Hot Gates. Enter prideful boasts on either side. Didn't these people ever read Oedipus? Agamemnon? Medea? Here's a hint: Hubris? BAD IDEA PAL. Little spat, enter King Xerxes, the kind of guy every Judith Butler reading transvestite in Manhattan aspires to be. Hubris, hubris, hubris, hubris... fight fight fight, death death death. Gorgo gets raped.

Act III
At this point is anyone really even paying attention anymore? It's one mute colored scene after another, and my eyes can only handle so much brown, gold, bronze, and scarlet before I begin to think I need to see an optometrist. Gorgo goes to the Senate and begs for troops to help. Cut back to battle and we have a highly predictable death (seriously, the youngest guy on the squad? Was that supposed to be a surprise? Maybe y'all shouldnt focus on him too much throughout the whole damn move. AND WHAT THE HELL was with the whole Gimli/Legolas report between those guys?) that incenses the men to keep fighting, but this time to take it seriously. Back at the Spartan Ranch, Whats-His-Nuts announces Gorgo is an adultress. She gets pissed and FINALLY we see what the Spartan women are so famous for. She runs him through with a thrust that would make Blackbeard squeal like an excited 13 yr old who just saw Justin Timberlake waving in the TRL window. Coins fly out of his bedsheet outfit covered in Xerxes' face. The traitorous fiend.

Meanwhile, back in the beach, the Spartans attempt one last unleashing of hell (wait... that was Gladiator...not 300. Silly me). They die an honorable death. Ho-hum.

The End.

So now that I've torn the movie apart, let me say a few more things.
1. It's not a bad movie. Not at all. It's simply that one spends the entire 117min. thinking to themself, "haven't I seen this before?"
2. I still have yet to read the graphic novel, and as is usually the case, my opinion will change upon reading it. From what I understand it was mostly taken word for word from Miller's original book and scenes.
3. I didn't care about any of the characters, or know their names, which is a major downside. If you don't care about the characters, how can you care about the plot? The Events? The Outcome?
3. Gerard Butler has definetly created a nice niche for himself in Hollywood: He goes from one homicidal cape wearing maniac in a mask to playing a homicidal cape wearing maniac in a helmet.
4. Those men had more MAC make-up on their stomachs than a Tyra Banks photo shoot.
5. This is my opinion, allow me to have it. I'll glady listen to yours.