In Which I Recap Previous Injuries and Eventually Add Insult.

Adding insult to injury: favored past time of vengeful types worldwide. Riotous French revolutionaires? Check. Viking raiders off the coast of Nova Scotia? Check. Hitler versus the Jews? Double Check. Katja and Johannes towards previously employed Au pair (Me)? Well, let's review the injuries, step by step, day by day, before discussing this most recent of insults (also, this gives me time to craft a vicious blog directed towards these most delusional Deutsch).

To recap:

November 9, 2005

"I Quiver with FEAR"

In our lifetimes we tend to come across phrases which can send a shiver down our spines. As children it is simply the yelling of our full name, "Michael Jonathon Thurgood Jr., get your butt over here!". In adolescence, in the midst of love, the phrase "We need to talk" puts dread into our very hearts, and as we reach the real world and become responsible adults the fear lies within the utterance of, "Can I see you in my office?" Yet somewhere between adolescence and the business world there lies the Au pair whose very existence and somewhat momentary happiness can be shattered by one simple sentence; “Britta, liebe Britta.”

Immediately the Au Pair begins to ponder what in the world could justify such terms of endearment. In most cases, something very very bad. She responds, “Ja?” and then the bomb drops, like a watermelon falling from two miles up, and shatters at her feet; “I volunteered you to help out at a birthday party this Friday. Is that OK?,”

OK! OK? It’s wonderful! I simply thrill at the very idea of being able to chase fifteen five-year-old boys and girls around a gymnasium filled with Bounce Houses! Nothing could give me more pleasure than to play Mommy to children I’ve never seen before in my life who will most likely thank me for nursing their bumps and bruises with a kick in the face and by pulling on my hair. This is so great in fact, that it’s the VERY way I had hoped to spend my Friday afternoon. Thank you Frau L for bestowing upon me such a great way to spend my time! Who would want to watch her charges play at the park when they had the opportunity to exercise their Mother Theresa-esque, patron saint of patience skills at a birthday party? Good gracious this makes me happy.

You realize, of course, that I jest. But let us get beyond that. It is one thing to be bothered, nay, vaguely annoyed by being volunteered without even the slightest frage* in your direction, but another to realize that you are obligated to smile and say, "Yes, of course! That sounds like fun!" All the while you are screaming and burning down small medieval villages on the inside. Oh the curse of being an indentured servant to the kings and queens of Frankfurt.



*frage (fragen)- to question, ask



December 3, 2005

"I kill you...I kill you with my spoon!"


Today has been a day of moderate reflection... reflection on Those Things Which I Find To Be Most Irritating. This list of course is quite extensive and on it may be found the usual suspects: The Meanderers, The Stop In the Middle of the Hallway-ers, The Meticulously Count Out All Their Changers, and the PDA-ers. Yet today I will focus my energies on two very specific members of the irritating things list: The Invaders and The Pisser Off-ers.

The Invaders

An invader, according to dictionary.com, is one who "enters by force in order to conquer or pillage," thus bringing to mind some of history’s more illustrious invaders such as William the Conqueror, Attila the Hun, and of course, Darth Vader. The particular invader to be examined here goes by the name of Johannes Adolff, Corporate Lawyer to the max. As an invader he has been found guilty of the following:

- Failure to remember which door is his and barging in upon a half dressed au pair whilst on vacation.

- Failure to knock on a closed bathroom door thus invading the toiletry privacy of said au pair.

- Been caught “looking for light bulbs” when in fact he was perusing the au pairs bag o’ birth control.

- Made several bodily excretions of a most massive and pungent sort in the au pairs bathroom followed by the failure to open a window, warn others of the stench, and replace the emptied roll of toilet paper.

- Urinated on various occasions with failure to close the door whilst within earshot of the au pair in question followed by the failure to flush and wash his hands.

The Pisser Off-ers

This group consists exclusively of those who revel in the simple agitation of others and includes the following: Pranksters, Makers of Flat Tires, Practical Jokers and Hackers. Today it is the Hackers who have garnered my attention and earned their spotlight on the list of irritating things by doing the following:

- Caused undue stress, fear, anger and worry by hacking into orbitz.com and sending an email stating the cancellation of several thousand holiday flights, thus sending the au pair in question and her fiancé into an irritable frenzy.

- Posed as lonely Moroccan men who spend their hours propositioning unsuspecting girls through myspace.com into fulfilling their sexual fantasies and perverse pornographic reveries.

Thus ends my reflection on Those Things Which I Find To Be Most Irritating, but never fear my little ones for there will indeed be more to come. But until then faithful followers, I bid you…adieu.


Stay tuned for more Insult to Injury posts, until then, jeers.